Hi, I’m Denise…

Last week, I had to read about 160 pages of the MLA Style Manual for one of my classes. I checked at all the bookstores around campus and could not find any available copies. Desperate and confident that the internet held the key to my redemption, I went on a Google search.

If people won't allow information to be free, people like me will steal it. :)



Where Babies Come From

For the record, I’ve never actually heard any children ask about where babies come from. I don’t think (and this might just be me) that when you are five or six, that that sort of information has any value to you. (Conversely, it values tremendously whether Santa will consider it stealing if you take a “loose” shiny penny on the floor of your parents’ bedroom.) (He does not consider it stealing because he is a firm believer in “finders, keepers.”) Funny thing, by the time you are old enough to know the truth (which we will get to in a minute), you probably wish you didn’t know the truth.

Now, growing up, we must have heard it all. Here are a list of my least favorite explanations (or beginnings of explanations) and my responses to them. So…

Q: Where do babies come from?

A: “When a man and a woman love each other…” Nice try, Mom and Dad. If making babies in fact required a man and a woman who loved each other, the human race would have been extinct a long time ago. And I mean a long time ago. I mean, remember Adam and Eve? You think Adam slept with her out of love after she got them both banished from the Garden of Eden? Not buying it, guys. Plus, love is not so much required as boredom and a length of 8-11… minutes in free time. (There’s a penis joke in there, you know there is!)

Adam: That green really brings out the color in your eyes. Eve: I don't know, I really want what that serpent was wearing, possibly as something to wear on my feet.

A: From a cabbage patch. Thanks to your persistence, Mom and Dad, in cultivating diligence in me through the care of vegetable gardens, I actually know what’s down there. You wanna know what’s down there? Dirt. And worms. And all kinds of crawlies that will make you squirm just to name. Babies don’t come from there. The only good that come from cabbage patches are cabbages, and I’m not even sure those are as good as I claim.

Don't you let these pictures convince you! This is NOT where babies come from.

And finally, the most popular and beloved…

A: From the stork.

Luckily, the stork did not decide to raise the baby himself, even though apparently storks make very good parents, which I am starting to doubt because what half-decent parent will dump a baby on another person for, oh, forever? (I guess maybe he wasn’t ready to be a parent?)   Plus there’s a serious problem to this answer: Where the heck did the stork get the baby to begin with? How is he feeding these babies? And more importantly, how well does his job pay? I am always open to a change of careers and pretty much everything these days pays better than a teaching job *sad laughter*.

Here we see the stork using the cover of darkness to his baby-kidnapping advantage.

Of course, none of these explanations do the truth any amount of justice. This is why I feel it is my duty to inform you of where babies really come from.


A Situation When You Should Ask For Your Money Back

I don’t usually stare at women’s breasts, probably because I have my own pair to stare at if I really wanted to look at a pair. I’ll look at a girl’s bo0bs if her cleavage is showing, to be like, “Hey, you wanna put those away, sweet cheeks?” But then in that case I’m looking and not staring. I think the only real time I ever stare at a woman’s breasts is if her breasts are staring at me.