Where Babies Come From

For the record, I’ve never actually heard any children ask about where babies come from. I don’t think (and this might just be me) that when you are five or six, that that sort of information has any value to you. (Conversely, it values tremendously whether Santa will consider it stealing if you take a “loose” shiny penny on the floor of your parents’ bedroom.) (He does not consider it stealing because he is a firm believer in “finders, keepers.”) Funny thing, by the time you are old enough to know the truth (which we will get to in a minute), you probably wish you didn’t know the truth.

Now, growing up, we must have heard it all. Here are a list of my least favorite explanations (or beginnings of explanations) and my responses to them. So…

Q: Where do babies come from?

A: “When a man and a woman love each other…” Nice try, Mom and Dad. If making babies in fact required a man and a woman who loved each other, the human race would have been extinct a long time ago. And I mean a long time ago. I mean, remember Adam and Eve? You think Adam slept with her out of love after she got them both banished from the Garden of Eden? Not buying it, guys. Plus, love is not so much required as boredom and a length of 8-11… minutes in free time. (There’s a penis joke in there, you know there is!)

Adam: That green really brings out the color in your eyes. Eve: I don't know, I really want what that serpent was wearing, possibly as something to wear on my feet.

A: From a cabbage patch. Thanks to your persistence, Mom and Dad, in cultivating diligence in me through the care of vegetable gardens, I actually know what’s down there. You wanna know what’s down there? Dirt. And worms. And all kinds of crawlies that will make you squirm just to name. Babies don’t come from there. The only good that come from cabbage patches are cabbages, and I’m not even sure those are as good as I claim.

Don't you let these pictures convince you! This is NOT where babies come from.

And finally, the most popular and beloved…

A: From the stork.

Luckily, the stork did not decide to raise the baby himself, even though apparently storks make very good parents, which I am starting to doubt because what half-decent parent will dump a baby on another person for, oh, forever? (I guess maybe he wasn’t ready to be a parent?)   Plus there’s a serious problem to this answer: Where the heck did the stork get the baby to begin with? How is he feeding these babies? And more importantly, how well does his job pay? I am always open to a change of careers and pretty much everything these days pays better than a teaching job *sad laughter*.

Here we see the stork using the cover of darkness to his baby-kidnapping advantage.

Of course, none of these explanations do the truth any amount of justice. This is why I feel it is my duty to inform you of where babies really come from.

You think this baby is angry, wait til you see her brother.

Babies actually come from the Tooth Fairy who puts a woman’s honey (from the pantry) and a man’s seed (also from the pantry) together to form a baby. He (Yes, the Tooth Fairy is totally male.) then comes in the night after two people have lost their dignity and especially when neither of them have enough money to raise a child. This makes the Tooth Fairy sound really spiteful but this pales in comparison to the fact that a baby eats, poops, and cries when it’s inconvenient and contributes nothing to the household.

And that, kids, is where babies come from. So the next time you see a baby, don’t think “cute.” Think “evil Tooth Fairy.”


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. indyink
    Jul 05, 2011 @ 17:42:50

    A male tooth fairy! First blog that’s made me laugh all day. I think I’ll send it to my mom.

    And everybody else’s mom.


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