Guest Post by Doctor Flash: What Makes a Good Girlfriend

As the previous post, this entry is inspired by Caitlin‘s post on how to be a great boyfriend. I think we are also still waiting on a response by her boyfriend, which should be in the works right now.

I asked my boyfriend to write a parallel post to “What Makes a Good Boyfriend” because it is only fair that the men should speak their mind (I am a believer in equality of the sexes!). I wrote my entry independent of his writing his so I am quite delighted to see that we have put down some of the same things on our list. Anyway, without further ado, here is Doctor Flash’s take on what makes a good girlfriend.

Note: While the post is definitely safe for work, it contains some strong language and sexual references that you may find offensive. By clicking read more, you agree that such language is acceptable and that you will NOT flag the post.



June 12, 2011


Dearest Online Kitten Followers,

Howdy, mates, I’m Kitten’s boyfriend, Andy.  Kitten has invited me to write a guest post on her blog about what makes a perfect girlfriend.  I’ve whittled down my list to ten things that are an absolute MUST for any girlfriend to be truly great in my book.  If our readers agree or disagree with any of the points I’m making, please feel free to reply below with your comments.  Without further adieu….

Number 10: Carries random useful things in her purse

You have no idea how many times my ass has been saved by the random things Kitten carries in her purse.  If I need a bobby pin to remove my phone’s SIM card, she’s got one.  If I need to blow my nose, she’s got tissues.  If I needed a small paper clip to lockpick us out of a cell, she’s got one in her purse.  A pen, some paper, a screwdriver…. I bet you if I needed anything in a jiffy, she could divine one out of her bag like Mary Poppins or Hermionie Granger from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.  A great girlfriend will have a multitude of useful little treasures in her bag for those extraordinary situations.

Number 9: Tells you when her period is coming and doesn’t use PMS as an excuse for being a bitch when it’s not the time for PMS

As long as a guy knows exactly when his girl’s period is coming, he knows when to stay away or at least be a bit more forgiving of strange, erratic, or loony behaviour.  Remember, guys: PMS stands for premenstrual syndrome, meaning it doesn’t happen during or after a girl’s period.  Don’t let your girl fool you into using PMS as an excuse for loony behaviour during or after her period.  That’s just her being cranky about being on her period and taking it out on you.  A perfect girlfriend knows how to keep her emotions in check and doesn’t turn into a bitch during or after her period.

Other than that, PMS IS REAL and can happen to most girls before their period.  You’ll just have to know when it’s happening to know how to deal with it best with your girl (avoidance and/or forgiveness).  Taken a different way, the perfect girl generally has a positive attitude and isn’t a bitch to you for no good reason.

Number 8: Is beautiful but modest about it

Obviously you wouldn’t want an ugly girlfriend.  The perfect girl needs to be beautiful, know that she’s beautiful, but then be modest about it.  Some girls know that they’re beautiful, but then use that fact to be a bitch to you, and if you are weak-willed, you may end up being pussy-whipped.  Such women need to be beaten into submission so that they are reminded of their place.  No, that’s not right…. These women need to be treated like the whores that they are to teach them a lesson.  Wait, that’s not very PC…. Such women need to be collared and leashed like a pet and trained to be a good love-slave.  This isn’t working…. Just stay away from such women.

It’s also annoying if a beautiful girl actually believes she’s ugly.  No matter how many times you remind her that she’s beautiful, she’ll seem like she’s being modest about it, but then she might actually get mad at you and argue with you about this.  WTF?  Just take the compliment and know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  You can’t argue with how I think you’re beautiful, so just modestly disagree and don’t argue.  I’m just sayin’.

Number 7: Knows how to be a lady

Everyone knows that a guy needs to know how to be a gentleman, but it certainly doesn’t end there.  A girl needs to know how to be a lady.  Your girl needs to know how to “clean up” just like you do for a formal event, dinner with parents, or a high-class night on the town.  She should know what to wear to match you, how to put on makeup, and how to do her hair formally.  If you plan on doing anything useful and important with your life that deals with the upper echelons of society, you will need the proper arm candy for formal events.

She should both look the part and act the part of a lady.  Behaviour is 90% of being a lady.  She should know how to act when in the company of others, what to expect from you and what not to expect from you, and most importantly of all, how to carry herself.  The best example of a lady I have seen in film is Helena Bonham Carter’s performance as HM Queen Elizabeth in The King’s Speech.  Your girl needs to reflect well on you just as much as you should reflect well on her.  She should be able to hold a conversation with your parents.  She should be able to shine for you and not be shy in the company of others.  Every move she makes should express, “I am both his girl and my own woman.”

Number 6: Is great in the sack

Sex is a great game of give and take.  She should know how to pleasure her man at least as well as she receives pleasure.  She should at least be aware of her sexuality and be open to trying new things in bed.  Everyone has different tastes when it comes to sex, so this could mean almost anything.  However, from the perspective of the man in the relationship, your perfect girlfriend should be spectacular at sex and whatever else you want to do with each other that probably shouldn’t be done publicly in polite society (shibari, bdsm, roleplay, et cetera).  Your girl should know how to remove her halo when behind closed doors with you.  And, in public, she should know how to be confident and seductive.

Number 5: Must have a brain

A real relationship can’t be maintained if a girl can’t intellectually stimulate me.  I’m not calling myself a genius, but there are a lot of dumb girls out there.  Even if she’s an excellent cock sucker and is willing to offer me a warm, wet hole always, immediately, and with no questions asked, this can still only go so far.  If you find that the only thing you’re doing with your girl is having sex, that’s not a relationship; that’s a friend with benefits.  I could never be with a girl that isn’t smart enough to hold a conversation with me.  The perfect girlfriend will have many of your same interests but have enough of her own unique interests that she can compliment you in life.  This way, you can understand each other while at the same time learn from each other.

Number 4: Safeguards the male ego

The perfect girlfriend acknowledges that her man has an ego and understands its nature.  This is the exact obverse of a man knowing when and how to compliment his girl.  A man’s ego is truly a fragile thing, masked with a façade of masculinity and protected by bravado.  She should recognise when your ego is weak and know how to stroke it.  She should never be the cause of its shattering.  A man with a shattered ego is a mournful sight, indeed.  She should let you know when you’re right by saying so.  She should help make you, not break you.  Behind every great man in history has been a great woman supporting him, alongside him, taking care of him and his ego.

Number 3: Trusts you

If you are deserving of your girlfriend’s trust and trust her as much as you want her to trust you, then she should trust you just as much.  I know it sounds completely cliché, but this rule is so important that it bears mentioning at #3 on my list.  She shouldn’t take you for granted and should recognise your worth.  Such trust takes time to achieve, but when you have it, there’s nothing like it.  It is this trust that will be the foundation of a real relationship.  For example, if your girl starts blaming you for cheating on her without evidence just to see if you admit to anything as a secret test; that’s not even a girlfriend, that’s an evil bitch-whore.  She should never intentionally make you jealous.  She should never coerce you or guilt you into doing anything.  Refer to the stricken-through portions of Rule Number 8 on how to handle these situations.

Number 2: Gives her man his space

The perfect girlfriend lets her man live his life.  She lets you go out without feeling like you’re being watched.  I’m not going to trade in my overprotective mom for an overprotective girlfriend.  She should know that you’re a separate person from her as well as in a relationship with her.  When you need some space, she doesn’t take it personally.  The perfect girlfriend isn’t an obsessive one.

Number 1: Makes her thoughts known when something is bothering her

The number one worst thing a girl can do when something is bothering her is to shut down and give her man the silent treatment.  That helps nobody.  I would break up with a girl if she kept doing that to me.  If something is bothering a girl, she should just say what’s on her mind, even if it makes no sense or thinks it’s stupid.  Girls should know by now that if you’re giving a guy the silent treatment, he will never find out on his own what you think he may have done wrong and will never, ever know on his own what to do, and it’s if the case, won’t be able to help you realise that it’s over something stupid and to get over it.  Shutting down and staring off into space is also an absolute no-no.  The perfect girl will be able to voice her opinion and ideas to her man if something isn’t right and will be willing to listen to what her man has to say about it.  She never leaves things unsaid.  The perfect girl never shuts down and never gives her man the silent treatment.


Sincerely yours,

Doctor Flash


Aaaaalright. I hope you enjoyed that. I sure did, well, most of it anyway. A lot of things on his list are things that I am not, so it stings a little but, bah! Let’s not sweat the small stuff.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Update: How to be an Awesome Significant Other « Background Noise

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