I won’t kiss you coz you’re not Irish.

If there’s one holiday I will never quite understand, it’s St. Patrick’s Day. First of all, non-Irish people celebrate it even though it is an Irish holiday. Second, no one seems to know who St. Patrick is. Finally, all that people care about is the booze and use the holiday as a convenient excuse to get wasted, as if they really needed an excuse for that.

Anyway, my weekend job is in Hoboken, where the St. Patty’s Day parade is a big deal. In the years that I’ve been there, I’ve accumulated quite a few things that I wish I could have said to people enjoying the festivities.

The green you’re wearing is the obnoxious kind. No, seriously. You’re wearing the bad kind of green. I don’t know why people can’t choose a nice apple green or even a toned down olive green. Hell, I’ll even bear with pine green. I don’t understand why people insist on wearing the kind of green that makes them look like they’re wearing leaves. The only non-Irish person allowed to wear that kind of green is Luigi because he has a funny accent and knows all about indoor plumbing! Ha!

Luigi looks awesome in green, quite possibly because he doesn't have red hair. Just sayin.

I don’t know why you wear beads or glitter. No really, if you’re old enough to be legally drinking, chances are the sparkles aren’t flattering for you anymore. Plus, don’t you think those beads make you look like a Christmas tree? Well, while you’re looking like a tree anyway with that leaf-colored shirt of yours, I suppose you might as well be decorated. Just remember what happens to Christmas trees after Christmas!!! /smirk

Nice beads, I guess. :|

You’re drinking at 7 in the morning? I’ve heard the early bird gets the worm but in this case I suppose he will get liver failure instead. And no, I will not make your coffee Irish. No, not even if you tipped me, asshole.

You get into drunken brawls. The operative word here is brawls – plural. I am not really sure how you can be happy and laughing one moment and scrambling on the floor the next. WTH, man. Why can’t you just drink your alcohol in peace? Let us all just suffer in silence, k? K.

And I will pick a fight with the first person who picks a fight. Yeah! Or something like that.

Last year I saw you piss on our fake house plant. You also barfed on the stairs. And then when you were finished making a toilet of the entire place, you had the balls to ask for a bagel with butter. NO! There will be no bagels with butter or bagels with cream cheese. I will not give you solid food to throw up my floor. Take your drunken mess of a self home.

There you have them, my list of things I wish I could have said to customers. Oh, I’m not such a kill-joy in real life. Well, only when I’m on the wrong side of festivities. :p

Have a fun and adequately intoxicated St. Patrick’s Day! :)

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