A Situation When You Should Ask For Your Money Back

I don’t usually stare at women’s breasts, probably because I have my own pair to stare at if I really wanted to look at a pair. I’ll look at a girl’s bo0bs if her cleavage is showing, to be like, “Hey, you wanna put those away, sweet cheeks?” But then in that case I’m looking and not staring. I think the only real time I ever stare at a woman’s breasts is if her breasts are staring at me.

Now, I’m not an expert in anatomical correctness, seeing as I myself am not particularly anatomically (or, aesthetically) correct. But I have a feeling that normally, this is how breasts should look:

pr0ps 4 4w3som3 dr4win9 sk1llz

So when I say that some breasts stare at me, I mean that the breasts are oriented in such a way that it seems they are trying to make eye contact.

Imagine how I felt when a pair of breasts stared at me and this was what I saw:

A lazy nipple!

You know how some people have lazy eyes, and when they look at you, you’re not really sure which eye to make eye contact with? Well, that’s how I felt with these nipples. I didn’t know which one to look at because I wasn’t really sure which one was looking at me. Left-right, right-left, I didn’t know. My dad once said that lazy eyes were not-quite-crossed eyes. I guess these nipples are not quite, well, nipples.


What my drawing doesn’t communicate very well is that these boobs are actually extra perky. Lemme qualify that, extra perky for the woman who owns them. You know, for her age you would think there’ll be some sag to the girls. Tsk, bad news, miss. Your breasts are not saggy, but they’re definitely lopsided.

Man, how the hell do you get your money back for that?

You: Hey Doc, my nipples aren’t even.

Doc: I know. That’s why you’re here.

You: That’s right. You made them lopsided. I want my money back.

Doc: Wait, wait, wait. Those nipples have been lopsided before I touched them. If you want, you can talk to my lawyer, but those nipples were like that when I saw them.

Damn. You’ve been swindled!

But then, what do you expect? You mess with nature, nothing good can come out of it. It’s just like pollution and birth control pills and drinking milk when you’re lactose-intolerant – you force things to be the way you want, you gotta deal with the consequences. Sometimes the consequence are lazy nipples. Tough.

I guess on the upside, people must spend an awful lot of time staring at her bewbage now that her nipples are lopsided. And that’s the point of a boob-job, right?


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Flash Gordon
    Mar 10, 2011 @ 02:59:46

    I would kick picture 2 out of my bed… and you can tell your dad that a lazy eye is better considered having a lazy brain, medically, unless there’s something actually wrong with a specific extraoccular muscle. Long story short, there are a lot of reasons for strabismus… and no reasons for lopsided bewbs unless somebody fucked up during a surgery.


    • sm1tt3nk1tt3n
      Mar 10, 2011 @ 09:19:45

      Oh cmon, why do you have to make this all scientific?

      For the record, I will also kick #2 out of my bed “f’shao,” as my brother would say.

      In my opinion, the problem of lazy nipples is easily resolved through a good padded bra. That is all.


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